I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
