dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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