I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize