I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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