no, he came in my armpit
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
