i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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