drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
