I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize