she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
