if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
