you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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