ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
