In America we eat man semen.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
