Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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