my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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