There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
