I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
