remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
