my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You ruined the universe
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
