I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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