she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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