Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
