The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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