Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
