capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My boob is missing a layer of skin
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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