It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
