good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
