I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
