you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
