Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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