We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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