She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
