It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
