He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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