she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
