I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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