Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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