You smell like a Billy Joel song
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
