my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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