Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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