Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
