I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
