Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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