I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
