Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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