I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
this boner is exhausting
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
