Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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