Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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