I think my vagina is haunted
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
