I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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