just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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