May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
