My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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