Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
