How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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