She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
