Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
