its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
soo... how was my night?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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